Sexual Emergencies – Call 911

Okay, so we have been there done that… had the perfect date, with the perfect woman, at the perfect time. Everything is progressing just as planned, the panties are about to drop, and then all of a sudden catastrophe strikes. Your entire ability to get laid hinges on how you handle the next 5 minutes, so we your new best buds are here to help you out and give you advice on how to avoid an awkward freeze up which could kill the moment. This series is designed to help you handle any and all situations which could result in a cock block.

Scenario 1: You open your inventory getting ready to place the coup de gras balls that will allow those pixels to do the nasty you have dreamed up, and you go to find out that… THEY ARE MISSING! Did you really leave em in the bushes, or behind the bar at Clockwork, or maybe SL decided at that very moment to remind you you’re still its bitch no matter what? As your mind races through the potential possibilities of where you left them, you are still faced with the very real situation of having one hot and bothered female and no way to put her into that position you had just spent the last 25 minutes leading up to. As you drag out that kiss just a li’l longer, your mind considers the options:

Option 1: Admit that they are missing, and ask your date if she has any thing in her inventory that would work.

Recommendation: HELL NO BRO! 1) Never admit that you are not in total control of the situation. 2) The last thing you wanna do is break the mood, after you invested the last hour of effort in getting to this point. 3) You might get turned off if she lists 45 different ball options she has in her inventory, because your mind will immediately turn to the question of who with and how many times!

Option 2: IM your buddy and have him drop some transfer balls on you, or if those aren’t available have him TP in nearby and discreetly drop em off to the side, but close enough you can still transition to them effectively.

Recommendation: This will work if and only if your buddy can stay out of sight. If she catches one glimpse of him and knows he is a friend of yours she is gonna be thinking tag team which will either scare her off, or turn her on, but either way you aren’t gonna like that response.

Option 3: You are gonna have to bag on the visual and just play it up in text.

Recommendation: I know that it helps you to get your rocks off seeing her pixelated tatas rising and falling with each thrust (cuz you’re a guy dammit), but this time you are gonna have to just be descriptive and do it the old fashioned way, back when all we had was ICQ and IM’s to get it done. I know it is like trying to fly the plane without autopilot, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Just remember the attention is in the details, and you will leave her feeling like she had the best pixel sex, evah without ever leaving that slow dance V3.

Scenario 2: Your xcite cock has you breathing heavy and you jump into position to start thrusting hard from behind, when low and behold you have visions of the alien movie where the lil dude jumps out of the guys stomach, as your cock thrusts through her stomach and you see your blinging cock ring shining in the night air on every stroke.

Recommendation: Well you can’t take time to adjust every ball combination right in the heat of the moment or what a mood killer that would be: yeah a lil more up honey, yes just a tad more to the right… yeah there ya go, now try that. So, what are you going to do? The only real man thing to do is just to totally ignore it and pretend you don’t see a thing wrong with it. You can reference it obliquely as you talk about how DEEP your thrusts are, or how HARD you are slamming it, but whatever you do, don’t acknowledge that you are poking completely out her front side. This also applies to the following situations: when getting a BJ and you poke out the back of her head, or when you split her spleen as she rides you on top. WHATEVER happens, buying a smaller cock is NOT an option.

Scenario 3: The mood is heating up over at her place, you move into position taking charge of her bed. You click the menu to see the options, and are working smoothly through the foreplay scenarios since they are clearly labeled with descriptive terms. Then as the critical mood heats up, you pull up the menu for Sex and Sex2 only to find the titles read something like: Kama Sutra 1, Kama Sutra 2, Kama Sutra 3… and on down the list. You cuss yourself under your breath for leaving your Kama Sutra on the back of the toilet at your place, and then secretly try to pick the correct position. Although you were aiming for Crouching Tiger Hidden Lotus, much to your chagrin you find yourself in Seamonkey Throwing Coconuts.

Recommendation: You don’t want to ruin the mood by rapidly switching through all 14 options on the screen til you find the best fit, so you just have to play the slots and grab one, and hope for the best. Wherever it ends up, you have to adjust your style to make it work for the mood. Just hope it isn’t too awkward, or too uncomfortable, because you have to give the impression that you knew exactly what you were picking and why. Sure maybe you haven’t ever put your fist in there, while curling your tongue like that, but fake it, and make a note to sneak back when she isn’t there to write down a cheat sheet for next time, so you don’t make the same mistake twice.

Just remember it is a wild world out there, and things are gonna happen. The main thing is don’t lose your cool, don’t lose your sense of control, and most of all don’t lose your woody, or else you will have lost the opportunity all together. Happy boinking out there! Go get em guys!


~ by hawksrock on January 16, 2008.

15 Responses to “Sexual Emergencies – Call 911”

  1. I can’t believe you dissed Seamonkey Throwing Coconuts. That is the last time I click on the pink poseball for you to help set things up ahead of time, goddamit.

    And I agree — never underestimate the power of the written word. Kids today, they got it so easy. They never had to warm up their dream date in some imaginary room in a D&D MUD on IRC. Back then all we had was ASCII, and we thanked PLATO we had it. And we could still get laid.

  2. Really love the post.

    Though about those tagteams, in case the girl does get turned on by that idea.

    I’m not gay as long as I don’t touch the other guy directly, right?

  3. I don’t have “Seamonkey Throwing Coconuts” in *my* sexgen. Mine must be defective 😉

    Nicely amusing article, guys really should learn how to write text more complex than “uh fuck hard” (yes, I’ve actually seen guys type stuff like that). Back during my escorting days is one thing, but for personal pleasure is an entirely different situation.

    Then there is that interminable quiet period, which leaves you guessing. “Did his client crash? Is he using both hands to masturbate? Is he chatting up someone else in an IM? Did his keyboard short out from the cum?”

    Long periods of time while you masturbate, clean off your computers, or whatever is a definite turn-off.

  4. what about the ‘hide’ option? while working your way toward that special moment, take the time to test out your tools, stick it on and keep it hidden. on a romantic date, the last thing i’m thinking of is switching on the ‘show transparent’ option, i don’t want red streaks all over my screen, it takes away from the moment (and my spanker makes my ass look huuuuuge). or, carry a spare? even if its not the best quality, it still gets the job done, right?

  5. Great post! I had a very nice encounter on a v3 slow dance ball the other day, but as an SL virgin, I haven’t had the pleasure of the crazy Seamonkey experience.

  6. @Damen, the two guys on one girl thing isn’t really my style, but I believe that if I consult the offical book of rules and regulations, that you will still be considered straight as long as you are “in no closer proximity to the opposing member’s member than 3-6″ at any point in time.”

    @Tiessa, agreed. I believe that most males using escort services are pretty much focused on one thing and one thing only, and it probably isn’t making sure you get yours too.

    @Annunziata, total agreement. A little pre-planning goes a long ways towards creating an awesome experience, and the hide option is a great one. It was covered in my How to Land a Dream Girl Part II post!

    @Alica, Hmmm you just announced yourself as a hot SL virgin on the manly blog post (well okay maybe not the hot part, but I did backtrack to your blog). I am guessing that you won’t be for long, unless you are intentionally staying that way! I will do my best to keep Wrath at bay at least long enough to give you a sporting head start.

  7. deliciously eloquent as always buddy .. think we all nodded in more places than we’d care to admit to. one request tho .. or mayhaps lesson learned .. ur posts r deffo a food/beverage free zone, cud u issue a warning? thnx! 🙂 ❤

  8. This one time at band camp… Just kidding. But also beware the “detach ALL” button. Hahahaha! You will be laughing so hard you may not be able to get the mood back. Just sayin.

  9. Tiessa said: “Long periods of time while you masturbate, clean off your computers, or whatever is a definite turn-off.

    Uh oh, are we going to have publish a guide regarding the appropriate RL preparations required before knockin’ SL boots? And define “Long periods of time” – I’ve always heard a minute and a half was too quick? Wait, I meant to say that in IM…

    And Anna makes some good points and sounds like she believes in the Boy Scout motto: Be prepared. Maybe wearing your equipment (hidden) when showing up for the date is similar to bringing condoms on a RL date?

    Alicia, how U doin? 😉

  10. Now I so want to try out Seamonkey Throwing Coconuts….

  11. @ NG for advanced points you can combine your two last comments and try out Seamonkey throwing coconuts on the back of a motorcycle!! woot!

  12. Thanks Hawk, I appreciate the compliment. 🙂 And no, I’m not intentionally staying this way. It just seems to have happened.

    Hi Wrath. 😉

  13. Oh man, didn’t realize she would say hello back… erm, time out while I quickly go read How To Land Your Dream Girl, Part 1 again?

  14. I laughed through the whole thing! GREAT post. It’s so cool to read such down to earth stuff about how those who are not women think and operate. Keep it up! Yes, in more ways than one!! 🙂

  15. Brilliant (again). I’ll resist just saying how clever and well written each post that I read is… No I won’t. That was clever and well written. It’s quite entertaining and unique to be reading male perspectives about such… thingies. Takes a lot of guts and the ability to laugh at yourself too ^^

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