Worst kept secret… evah!

Guys look at porn, and …. drumroll please….. *whispers* masturbate, beat off, buff the wood, bop the boa, answer the bone-a-phone, milk the chicken, crank the shank, doodle the noodle, firm your worm, five finger knuckle shuffle, grease the pipe, hone your bone, jimmy your joey, massage the muscle, Pat the Robertson (might go to hell for that one), polish the rocket, ram the ham, shake hands with the unemployed, spank the frank, tease the python, or whip the one eyed wonder weasel. 😮 😮 😮 So why is it that time after time I am always hearing stories of women across the nation being outraged that they “caught” their boyfriend doing it? And to make matters even worse, the guys deny doing it.

Well let’s start with a few basic ingredients:

1) Guys are wired different than gals, but neither side remembers that fact about 3/4 the time.

Think about what sort of evolutionary urges are driving each gender. For women, they need a guy who will be there to assist them with the raising of a child for a period of time, so they want a little more than just a hot bod to turn them on (unless they are drunk, which is an entirely different post.) They value a certain emotional intimacy to go along with the physical. For guys, it is all about spreading that seed as far and wide as you can in order to make your genes the dominant strand. If you have the traditional birthing ratio of breasts to hips to ass to legs to nice smile with all your teeth, then we can get it up and get it on. Oh I’m sorry, and your name was…?

2) Then along came Jesus in a baby carriage…

Enter in the fray a sense of morality and social norms, which try to control people’s natural urges. A lot of religions will beat you to a pulp over “impure thoughts” or actually enjoying sex with another person. Now all of a sudden you have a concept of guilt over even thinking a certain way, let alone acting out on them and going to hell. Sex is just a necessary evil to make more muppets.   Not under any circumstances should you practice your skill at impure thoughts and act out on it, just out of a sake of pleasure.

3) Introduce the internet, and the concept of porn at your fingertips 24/7.

There was a little more stigma associated with having to do a face to face interaction to request that latest squirter vid, or by having the mailman drop off your latest copy of World of Whorecraft for your viewing pleasure. But now all of a sudden anybody anywhere, can with relative anonymity check out whatever turns them on in the privacy of their own home, office, library, or coffeshop with free Wi-fi service.

So when you throw all this plus many more factors into the mix, what do you end up with? You end up with a guy who at some point in the early prepubescent period learned that his tool was for more than aiming at cheerios in the middle of a toilet bowl, and that he kinda liked hanging out with his new found friend, being brought up to think that this was wrong so he feels kinda guilty about it already.   However, he finds that his hormones and the new Samantha Fox poster he has hidden under his bed with her in lingerie while she sings to him about touching herself are enough to override any sense of wrong…. (errr wait that might have just been my experience.)  Anyway, through repeated trial and err along with devising ways of descrambling the cable channels (especially if you turn your head just a lil sideways), a guy learns the art of jacking off, and it makes him quite happy.

Now about this time (for most guys who don’t discover WoW til they are age 35), they end up dating real bonafide hot flesh and blood chicks and they get to discover the thrills of first, second, and third base which culminates in that bona fide grand slam!  They find that sex with a woman is even better than anything they had ever been able to pull off (no pun intended, well okay maybe a lil intended) on their own.   However, just because sex is better with a woman, does this mean they abandon masturbation altogether?   Ummmm, lemme think about that, HELL NO!!

So inevitably here is what is gonna happen.   The girlfriend is going to catch him with lotion and/or tubesock (if it is a no-show or crew sock, then I’m just sorry) in hand whacking off at his computer screen to some sort of internet porn.   The guy is going to feel guilt about it, and try to hide it or deny it altogether.   “No way, baby, I was just adjusting the goods, and got spammed with that crap on my screen.”  The woman is going to feel inadequate, and instantly think that she is not fulfilling one of his needs, or is unattractive etc.

So how do we solve this uncomfortable situation?

1) We just gotta accept the fact that it is normal/healthy to have a little solo time mixed into a healthy sexual relationship between two loving partners.

*Disclaimer:  I understand that some people take it too far, and become true cybersexual addicts who withdraw more and more from actual physical contact, as they get sucked into some sort of fantasy world.  They are not within the “normal” range and need to seek help.

2) Again, most guys are just more visually wired than women.  It helps to have some sort of porn or visual stimulation to assist with the process.   Whereas, women think it is fine to bob over and over and over because they are living out fantasies in their head with their partner only, they believe porn is wrong because it involves looking at women other than the partner.   For most guys the porn is just a way to release that part of their brain which turns them on quicker.

3) Guys just stop with the cover up and lying about it.   Be upfront about it, and don’t try to hide because she WILL catch you with your pants down.   Have a frank discussion about it, and if you find yourself preferring it over real sex, then you really do need to seek help.

4) Ladies, don’t take it as a personal affront.   It isn’t that something is lacking in you, it is just one more way we can bring pleasure into our lives.   By having open honest discussion around it, then both partners should be able to understand that it isn’t a replacement so much as an added feature.


~ by hawksrock on July 20, 2008.

15 Responses to “Worst kept secret… evah!”

  1. hehehe Samantha Fox. I love it! Great post. Very honest and real. I agree it’s an added feature…for both sexes lol

  2. Being a female I’ve honestly wondered many times over the same thing – women who get absolutely ballistic over finding their men masturbating. Some have been married for like 15 years and “omg I can’t believe he did that!”. Shee, guess what, he’s done it for all of those 15 years. And probably you too. I seriously doubt the honesty of any woman who claims she’s never done it. That you can tell your mom. Partners are a whole different thing.
    In any case I believe that when you can have sex to a man/woman then you should be able to talk about sex with that person. Excluding the one night stands though, no need to yap about sex then. You just do it:P
    Thanks for the great post and take it as a compliment that a girl who almost never bothers to comment does so 8 am in the morning:) *raises her coffee cup* CHEERS!

  3. O’Hai my name is JellyBean Madison – I have the greatest boyfriend in the world AND I bob regularly. 😀

    I agree that masturbation is both healthy & needed. :p

  4. Well thank you ladies, I sort of expected to get reamed a little bit harder, but no one has stepped up to the plate yet. 🙂

    Also, I kinda had to put this comment out there since it is our 600th comment on the site, so since I can see the behind the scenes it is fun to hit that milestone. Thanks to EVERYBODY who has ever commented on the site, I really encourage you to get involved and comment. It is the best kind of encouragement for me to write to see that I impacted you somehow either positively or negatively. It makes it a more engaging experience for yourself as well because you then become part of the story, and not just on the outside looking in. Thanks again, and hope to keep bringing you something engaging, although I gotta stop with the sex stuff for a lil bit… because I am becoming a little one dimensional… lol.


    Well, here you can :p

  6. “Whereas, women think it is fine to bob over and over and over because they are living out fantasies in their head with their partner only”

    With their partner only? Maybe, maybe not.

    I personally think that both sexes masturbate for a variety of reasons. A physical release is not always about sex. It could be due to boredom, stress, perhaps you just want to relax enough to go to sleep? Others may masturbate to get a burst of energy for the day.

    I never see masturbation or porn as competition. There’s no contest.

  7. Let me see if I got it right.
    A guy has someone who likes to have sex with him but continues to masturbate himself?
    What for?!

    In bullet 2, you mentioned “Jesus”.
    Well, tell me where in the Gospels Jesus said “sex is sinful”?
    He didn’t!
    Which nowadays religion says “sex is bad”?
    I don’t know a single one…
    Unless, there is one in Universe’s craziest country, the USA…

    What religions state is:
    “sex is good in a particular context, which is marriage”.

    That’s very different from what you wrote:
    “Sex is just a necessary evil to make more muppets”.

    If that’s what you think, I’ll explain you how it works.

    If a couple is married in the Roman Catholic Church they must have sex.
    In fact, if one of the couple members refuses to have sex the marriage is automatically nullified, according with the Roman Catholic Canonic Law.

    Also, there are certain limitations to Roman Catholics’ behaviour, like fasting or abstaining particular foods, on specific days.
    However, sex does’t have any such limitations.
    A Catholic couple can have sex, with each other, whenever and wherever they want – as long as they aren’t in a Church or in front of other persons -, and the Church says “that’s great you have God’s Blessing”.

    Tell me, if the Roman Catholic Church considered sex just as a “necessary evil”, howcome it considers it to be mandatory in marriage?

    The only thing you could say about Religions and sex is that some do forbid certain kinds of sex. This is true.
    But genital sexual intercourse in itself, between the members of a married couple, is always promoted.

    So, please look at things as they are and don’t blame Jesus for your own beliefs.

    I won’t comment the rest of your post, because you are just expressing your views in your own blog.
    You have all the right to do so, and I respect that.


  8. I want to say something, but I really have no idea how to respond to that, Portugal, other than to say your bizarre commentary and nonsensical train of thought managed to pull me out of six months of not commenting here at AWNM. Well done, sir. What a stale, wet blanket of fun-sucking blather. We’re going back to the party now, would you like to join in, or do you need to defend your mythology some more?

  9. Well Alex, if you don’t know what to say, how about starting to explain what is bizarre and nonsensical in what I wrote.

    And what mythology were you talking about?

    I wasn’t the one who put Jesus and religions in the subject.
    Did you read the article by the way?

    “2) Then along came Jesus in a baby carriage…”

    I just picked from there since hawksrock wrote several errors.

    One thing is to know;
    another is to believe.
    The 1st doesn’t imply the 2nd.
    An Atheist can know a lot about belief systems’ own beliefs, without stopping being an Atheist.

    Alex, if you don’t have any knowledge about belief systems do some googling to begin with – I guess you know Google right?
    Or just continue partying, but don’t project on others your own ignorance.


    PS Don’t drink to much on that party…

  10. Hey Portugal – You like getting bent out of shape don’t you? And I think you might take your own advice about projecting.

  11. Tell me, if what I wrote is such “a stale, wet blanket of fun-sucking blather”, howcome such an inordinately smart being, as yourself, was pulled from its six months of limbo to put a comment here at AWNM, precisely because of what I wrote?
    Who got bent out then?

  12. […] blog post. I have covered before how I enjoy getting feedback on my posts, even if it is from the religious right crackheads. Therefore, in my case at least I really think Plurk is reducing the number of blogs I write, […]

  13. Hey!
    I have nothing to do with America’s rightwing genocidal loonies!
    Again and again the overwhelming majority of Americans simply cannot understand how an European thinks.
    For you guys it’s all “black vs. white”; “good vs. evil”; “right vs. left”.
    Not for Europeans!
    If one day most Americans realise dichotomies don’t exist, the World will become a better place.

  14. Who is making idiotic prejudicial statements now?

  15. Alex, is your English worse than mine?
    Where did I write that someone had made “idiotic prejudicial statements”?

    The guy who commented before me, clearly stated:
    “religious right crackheads”
    because of what I wrote.
    Funny enough, I’m NOT rightwing!
    I’m a Social-Democrat!
    Leftwing, in case you don’t know the concept.

    Ironically, you both proved my point.

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