Worst kept secret… evah!
Guys look at porn, and …. drumroll please….. *whispers* masturbate, beat off, buff the wood, bop the boa, answer the bone-a-phone, milk the chicken, crank the shank, doodle the noodle, firm your worm, five finger knuckle shuffle, grease the pipe, hone your bone, jimmy your joey, massage the muscle, Pat the Robertson (might go to hell for that one), polish the rocket, ram the ham, shake hands with the unemployed, spank the frank, tease the python, or whip the one eyed wonder weasel. 😮 😮 😮 So why is it that time after time I am always hearing stories of women across the nation being outraged that they “caught” their boyfriend doing it? And to make matters even worse, the guys deny doing it.
Well let’s start with a few basic ingredients:
1) Guys are wired different than gals, but neither side remembers that fact about 3/4 the time.
Think about what sort of evolutionary urges are driving each gender. For women, they need a guy who will be there to assist them with the raising of a child for a period of time, so they want a little more than just a hot bod to turn them on (unless they are drunk, which is an entirely different post.) They value a certain emotional intimacy to go along with the physical. For guys, it is all about spreading that seed as far and wide as you can in order to make your genes the dominant strand. If you have the traditional birthing ratio of breasts to hips to ass to legs to nice smile with all your teeth, then we can get it up and get it on. Oh I’m sorry, and your name was…?
2) Then along came Jesus in a baby carriage…
Enter in the fray a sense of morality and social norms, which try to control people’s natural urges. A lot of religions will beat you to a pulp over “impure thoughts” or actually enjoying sex with another person. Now all of a sudden you have a concept of guilt over even thinking a certain way, let alone acting out on them and going to hell. Sex is just a necessary evil to make more muppets. Not under any circumstances should you practice your skill at impure thoughts and act out on it, just out of a sake of pleasure.
3) Introduce the internet, and the concept of porn at your fingertips 24/7.
There was a little more stigma associated with having to do a face to face interaction to request that latest squirter vid, or by having the mailman drop off your latest copy of World of Whorecraft for your viewing pleasure. But now all of a sudden anybody anywhere, can with relative anonymity check out whatever turns them on in the privacy of their own home, office, library, or coffeshop with free Wi-fi service.
So when you throw all this plus many more factors into the mix, what do you end up with? You end up with a guy who at some point in the early prepubescent period learned that his tool was for more than aiming at cheerios in the middle of a toilet bowl, and that he kinda liked hanging out with his new found friend, being brought up to think that this was wrong so he feels kinda guilty about it already. However, he finds that his hormones and the new Samantha Fox poster he has hidden under his bed with her in lingerie while she sings to him about touching herself are enough to override any sense of wrong…. (errr wait that might have just been my experience.) Anyway, through repeated trial and err along with devising ways of descrambling the cable channels (especially if you turn your head just a lil sideways), a guy learns the art of jacking off, and it makes him quite happy.
Now about this time (for most guys who don’t discover WoW til they are age 35), they end up dating real bonafide hot flesh and blood chicks and they get to discover the thrills of first, second, and third base which culminates in that bona fide grand slam! They find that sex with a woman is even better than anything they had ever been able to pull off (no pun intended, well okay maybe a lil intended) on their own. However, just because sex is better with a woman, does this mean they abandon masturbation altogether? Ummmm, lemme think about that, HELL NO!!
So inevitably here is what is gonna happen. The girlfriend is going to catch him with lotion and/or tubesock (if it is a no-show or crew sock, then I’m just sorry) in hand whacking off at his computer screen to some sort of internet porn. The guy is going to feel guilt about it, and try to hide it or deny it altogether. “No way, baby, I was just adjusting the goods, and got spammed with that crap on my screen.” The woman is going to feel inadequate, and instantly think that she is not fulfilling one of his needs, or is unattractive etc.
So how do we solve this uncomfortable situation?
1) We just gotta accept the fact that it is normal/healthy to have a little solo time mixed into a healthy sexual relationship between two loving partners.
*Disclaimer: I understand that some people take it too far, and become true cybersexual addicts who withdraw more and more from actual physical contact, as they get sucked into some sort of fantasy world. They are not within the “normal” range and need to seek help.
2) Again, most guys are just more visually wired than women. It helps to have some sort of porn or visual stimulation to assist with the process. Whereas, women think it is fine to bob over and over and over because they are living out fantasies in their head with their partner only, they believe porn is wrong because it involves looking at women other than the partner. For most guys the porn is just a way to release that part of their brain which turns them on quicker.
3) Guys just stop with the cover up and lying about it. Be upfront about it, and don’t try to hide because she WILL catch you with your pants down. Have a frank discussion about it, and if you find yourself preferring it over real sex, then you really do need to seek help.
4) Ladies, don’t take it as a personal affront. It isn’t that something is lacking in you, it is just one more way we can bring pleasure into our lives. By having open honest discussion around it, then both partners should be able to understand that it isn’t a replacement so much as an added feature.